Life, Marriage and Life

 Life is a funny thing, everyone wants different things out of it.

Some are after achieving career success, others want a large family or no family. People chose careers for totally different reasons and then all end up together. What one student takes away from their time at school is totally different to someone else, but they still went through the same classes and subjects. Some know exactly what they want to do, others have no clue and never really do.

I never knew what I wanted to do in life, I had no career aspirations or amazing moments of enlightenment. My work life just developed but I knew I always wanted to get married and have children.

I loved children and for a period when I was younger then I wanted to be a nanny looking after children. It never transpired but I did go into a profession that deals with people and considers them, although it wasn't my choice, it was a direction suggested by a careers lady when I didn't get all the exam qualifications from school that they felt I needed? Well all I can say is look at me now....I have a Masters degree and pretty sure there were people who never expected that when I was little.

As for family, then yes, all I ever wanted was to have a family. I wanted to meet 'the one' when I was young (20's) and have a settled life. Obviously it never happened that way. I did eventually meet someone when I was 29, I can honestly say that I don't think he was 'the one' or 'the love of my life' but we worked and it was good and we supported each other. We did go on to have children, 2 gorgeous boys, that I think amaze him all the time, especially as he never really was that interested in having children. So I am always grateful for what I was able to give him and experience, which he had never thought he would do.

We did everything backwards, we met, we moved in together, we got a mortgage, we had children, we got married

And then we separated after 22 years.

My decision, my pushing, and I followed through on all of it. He never totally understood why but he was supportive enough to let me go so if there was any chance of a reconcile it was in a supportive environment.

We have now been apart, in some form since Oct 2021. But through it all we have still been mum and dad and an amazing family unit. In fact we have got on so much better since I left. I think the boys have seen a better parenting unit in that time. I know their relationship with their father has developed better in the past 2 years then they actually had before I left. We have family dinner together, at the house, at least 1-2 times a week. We still have activities that sometimes include both of us and I have stayed at the house on many occasions in the past few years because we do not hate each other, we just can't do marriage.

I have to admit that in fact it has been the worst thing for me, from a marriage point of view then no, it was the best thing, but from a mother point of view, then I can not even start to fathom how I ever got to a point that I walked away from the family home and left my children there? They were 16 and 18 at the time. We were always safe and there was no threat but I was very unhappy and I had to show my children that sometimes you have to put yourself first and then it will assist the relationship you have with others.

Whilst we temporarily separated in Oct 2021, there has been some talk over the past few years, but we needed it to all take its own natural way and despite words from him expressing how he doesn't want the marriage to end and he was honest that if I left then it would be the death of the marriage, I always knew the marriage was over. I just couldn't go backwards with how I felt and how he was.

Today, he finally admitted that he is happy with how things are and lets keep it this way and I agreed.

So today, our marriage officially ended.

No more trying to tip toe around each other with having difficult conversations, no thoughts of why something isn't happening.

The thing is, I am moving back to the family home.

Yes, you read that correctly, I am moving back to the family home and no one has moved out, but it is not a backwards step because in an unconventional way, different to many others in our situation, we do well in the same house and can live well together as long as you take out the marriage part. He just doesn't have what it takes to sustain a relationship whereas I love being in a relationship and want someone who will be with me and alongside me. So as long as the expectations are removed, which has now happened, then we do living together well.

I am going back to be with the boys for a little longer before natural progression of life happens, to work on the house, to have some company after living on my own for the past few years, to pay off the mortgage and do you know what....it works really well. We do living together in the same house very well. We did it amazingly during Covid lock down.

It will seem odd to many people but we are doing our life and not anyone else's. We are doing what works for us. Even if the boys move out, which is on the cards for one of them in the next month or two, I can see us happily living together in the house as flatmates for quite a while. Obviously if things change in life for either of us then things will change but for now, it works, it suits everyone and we are both happy.

Isn't that what life is about?